I am not fast. I am a solid middle to back of pack runner in Ultras and I’ve done like 1 sub 2 hour half marathon and that was a perfect storm of rage and pent up not getting to run my full race at Disney’s Wine and Dine. Once upon a time, I was fast (ish) in high school. I remember my best one mile time to be a 6:08 and vaguely recalled getting 3rd in my age group for a 5K at one point and I wasn’t last in cross country meets or anything, but I always hated racing. I’d be the one hauling ass at a track meet to blurt out at the coach “HELP I SWALLOWED A BUG”. The response was always to keep running, it was just a little protein. I suck at speed work (aka I don’t do it) once in a while, I’ll run a mile so fast I feel like I’m going to puke and then I call that good for a month or so.

When the gym I teach at asked if I wanted to do a 5K, me and the whole family entered with the idea that I would “race” it and my husband and kids would run it together. I was curious how fast I could bust out a 5K with mostly distance and not a whole lot of speed training.

Kiddo #1 ended up with strep so she stayed home with grandma who was visiting and then there were 3. My  youngest asked if I would run it with her and I mentally scratched off racing it. When a coworker asked if I was ready to race it and win for them (joking of course), my husband looked at me and said, go ahead and race it. I asked peanut if she’d mind if I “raced” this time and promised her another race together since Mommy needed to try to do the best she could this time. I inched up to the front of the front of the start and decided to just go as hard as I could just to see what it would be like.

Actual thoughts I had during a 5K:

• Wow, I’m in like 3rd…I can say I was in third for (looks at watch) .15 of a mile. Woo hoo.
• Wow, I’m still first female. I can say I was first for like (looks at watch) .25. Are you kidding me, it’s only been a .25 of a mile?
• My ass was just smoked by an 10 year old. Go speedy little dude go.
• Ok it was a good run, anyone want to pass me? Oh yes, someone is coming….oh it’s a dude.
• I hate these shorts. I hate these shorts. I hate these shorts.
• Stupid bun huggers
• 7:31 mile! Dude, I’m going to barf a lung.
• So glad I brought water. Must not puke lungs.
• Turn around…woo hoo. Let’s see how many people are going to catch me
• Um…people?
• People?
• Holy shit… I think I can taste my underwear. I hate these shorts. Must burn with fire.
• Yay my family! Go family!
• These hills, why?
• I hate road, I hate road
• 7:44 mile ok….good enough someone can pass me now
• Must not barf lung
• Serious business music, DU HAST!! GRRRR angry German music let’s finish this.
• I can’t walk can I? No, you don’t walk hills on road, especially with angry German metal.
• Dammit, why can’t I just walk it.
• Almost there almost there almost there. I wonder if I’ll place in my age group at least.
• Wait…why are they holding up that thingy? Am I supposed to run through it?
• Confusion
• Woah…. 7:49 average. Take THAT Strava, I can sort of move my old ass once in a while. There wasn’t a bear or ANYTHING.
• First? How the hell did that happen?

I’m 99% sure this will be the ONLY time I will ever place first overall female in a race. I think most of the faster runners were doing the 10K, but I didn’t want to do a long race with the kiddos, so we went with the 5K over the 10. I was super proud of my peanut, she ran intervals and did her first 5K in 43:07.