Polite People Don’t Pee on Trees

Or why ultra and trail running is a damn sexy sport. You may not want to read this if you are not a runner. You’ve been warned. 

  1. Yeah…I would totally rather pee on a tree then pee in a porta potty. However, I will take enough Imodium during a race to not poop for 3 days if it means not having to dig a hole in the woods. I don’t care if a bear poops in the woods, I do not.
  2. During ultra events I’m convinced that my IQ drops a full point for each mile beyond 31. That’s why there are pacers…some of us need babysitters to not wander off the path and have a conversation with a tree. I once declared a love of perogies so intense I claimed that should I ever have a third child, it would be named after such a delicacy. Sidebar: pierogies during a race are life changing.
  3. I start off runs doing what I call “mom swearing”. Fiddlesticks, shenanigans, sassafras…. A couple of hills later and I will probably be using the “F” word as an adjective, noun, and verb.
  4. I call my car the dirtbag wagon. The back has sport wipes, towels, bug spray, and probably some socks and shoes that could become cognizant and walk by themselves. Yes, they have to stay there, what if the chance to run comes up?
  5. One time on a long run a few days after a 50K, I realized that my underwear was the enemy (damn you chaffing). I had to find a bathroom to change out of them and then tossed them in a ziplock because they were Lululemon dammit and I’m not going to toss my Lulus. If running with your Mula Bandhawear in a ziplock doesn’t just ooze class, then I don’t know what will.
  6. The look of horror when people see me feet. It is EPIC. My big toenail is growing back nicely thanks for asking.
  7. Normal people clothing does not fit. I’m basically a rectangle with what my husband dubbed as “James Bond villain man crushing thighs”. I have big quads and I cannot lie…I’m a waistless wonder owing to the lack of distance between my hips and ribcage, I just figure my organs are mostly ensconced within my ribcage this way and are more protected when I superman down a hill and slide face first down gravel.
  8. Scars are sexy right?

    Damn you gravity
    Damn you gravity
  9. I’m always subjecting people to photos of the weird stuff I see on trail. That creepy baby? Yeah not the first or last doll I’ve seen.

    She just wanted a hug
    She just wanted a hug
  10. What happens on the trail…stays on the trail. Last winter I had a horrible cold and still had a 18 mile training run. I’m rather proud of my mastering of the snot rocket during that trail run. Never learned to french braid, but hey I can clear my sinuses mid stride. So sorry Mom, I promise I only do this when nobody is around but deer, but it is a legit skill on trail! College tuition well spent huh?

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