This started off innocuously enough with a struggle to find adequate workout wear. At first, I tried to find stretchy enough bottoms and tops that were just sized up and then as my bump got bigger, I caved in and decided to get maternity clothes because this is pregnancy number 4 and kid number 3 and despite being an ultra runner going into this pregnancy, my short waist and midsection just flipped me the bird and started to pop out immediately.

I’ve gone to 3 different Targets with success ranging from quasi to full fail. First attempt left me finding racks and racks of  Tobias Fünke (Arrested Development) never nude style booty shorts in acid wash and black denim, nary a coat, and pleather looking workout pants, with one pair of workout capris (which had to get returned because they fit everywhere but the calves b/c I actually have ultra runner/Barre instructor legs and cannot fit into most capris). I asked about coats and the associate asked me “for what do you want a coat for, for sleeping?”, my response was “for not freezing my buns off”. I sized up 2 sizes in a Costco coat thinking it would hold me off, but 6 months hit and my bump said “nah”.

My husband hit a Target a few times and they once had the maternity section completely blocked off and inaccessible. My last attempt had ugly sweaters in stock, but still no damn coats or jackets or anything seasonably appropriate (and still racks of those ugly ass shorts).

Babies R Us is gone.

I tried a UK brand that had maternity overalls and that was NOT good. Horrible quality and how are you going to have maternity wear that doesn’t have stretch?

Kohl’s said they had maternity. I went…they had 3 shirts and 2 pairs of pants. No workout wear at all.

Old Navy took me 5 tries to get a coat in my size on order. It looks like a Hefty bag. Their workout wear is never in stock in a small or medium.

Gap Maternity is so ugly that I would go naked rather than wear it. I mean as stunning as this vagina looking shirt is and all….

So when we were trying to pick a location for a post Christmas Build a Bear run, we picked a mall that had Motherhood Maternity so I could at the very least, get a damn bra and a pair of jeans. So we drove an hour away, got the kids their bears and with more excitement that a bra should actually be, we checked the directory and headed to the store and found….

The mall said it’s not their responsibility to update their website with stores and the ladies hanging out in the store, directed us to locations 30 minutes away. Which, after much swearing, a little ugly crying, and me briefly contemplating running off with the mannequin as tribute, we drove the hour home.